I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Your penis caused this!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
