he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
