forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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