Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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