Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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