The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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