our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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