Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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