nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
