I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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