my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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