If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
