ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
