I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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