One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
