i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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