She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
