I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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