so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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