proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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