The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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