Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Swine flu. Run for my life!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
