So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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