Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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