all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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