Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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