Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
