i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
