i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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