Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
