Soap is not a condiment
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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