I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
