Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
