Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
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She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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