i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
