No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
