All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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