i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
