i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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