I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
