Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
