So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
