so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
