Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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