My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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