Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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