Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
