i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
