I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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