I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
