I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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