...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
