I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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