Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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