all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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