She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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