The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
