I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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